Bliss in Chaos

2 days of sleep deprivation.

The nanny was coming to take care of F.

S., the twin brother, was with the family unboxing presents - It was Christmas day after all.

I rode back home with the nanny and F.

The bed was all mine.

As soon as I closed my eyes, let's say 10 seconds later, the nanny knocked on the door "F's got high fever!".

It hit me on the spot. I instantly knew what it meant.

F's got "short bowl syndrome", after a nasty bug that almost killed him 3 weeks after he was born. He has to be fed during the night with IV, so he's got a Central Line that has to be preserved.

If it gets infected, he goes straight to the "room" to get another one. So every high fever, if there's no apparent cause, is treated like the Central Line is infected.

Which means, going back to the hospital. Super antibiotics rounds. 5 days of anxiety.

But it was Christmas, so after my brain realized what was going to happen, I simply cried.

It seemed to me like a breakdown, because I wouldn't/couldn't listen to anyone.

I was just crying my eyes out - for fuck's sake! - we spent 1 year in that hospital. We've been home for 3 months. And here we go again.

One of the thing that really hit too was looking at Mochi, my dog, and leaving him behind again.

In that moment I talked to him, hoping that would "understand".

The crying didn't stop either when my wife, E, and I were getting ready to get back to the hospital. We simply held hands.

The first 2 days were brutal.

The hospital beds feel like coming from North Korea concentration camps. The early meals. Those "beeps", F's liver "tired" for too much IV nutrition, with the phantom of Liver transplant always looming over our heads.

Luckily our super nanny came to the rescue and spent the weekend with us, helping with F, so that we could rest a little.

One night, F's nose tube became blocked (it sounds absurd, I know), and we had to endure his cries while doctors replaced it.

And then it happened: after the doctors went away, F. smiled at me.

I mustered my most ridiculous impression of Jim Carrey, and F laughed.

And I forgot where I was.